Are You Listening?

Communication is the way human beings establish and maintain relationships. Communication can be through the spoken or written word or more subtle methods, such as non-verbal communications. Good communication is critical for maintaining satisfying healthy relationships, whether it is with a parent, child, friend, business or intimate partner. The ability to communicate with one another honestly builds intimacy and trust. Most people don't think about how they communicate, if their meaning is understood, or if they understand until there a problem arises.

Effective communication can be extremely difficult. This often comes as a surprise to people. One of my favorite sayings about communication is attributed by some to Robert McCloskey; "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant,"

The first and most important communication skill is listening. Good listening skills are not easy and few people really listen well. Many people are not listening but preparing their response while the other person is talking. This is especially true when tensions are high and people feel they need to defend themselves from real or imagined attack. The less defensive and more secure someone is in the situation the better able they are to listen because they feel confident that they can respond without rehearsing in their head first.

Giving your full attention to what the other person is saying is known as "active" listening. Active listening means paying attention to what the person is actually saying, but also trying to understand where he/she is "coming from." Active listening means hearing not only the words, but also the message behind those words. I always liken this to hearing not only the words, but the music also.

Active listening listening skills are an art that can be learned with time, patience and self-awareness. When you are trying to actively listen , take the time to ask questions to be sure you understand. Questions such as, I am not sure I get what you mean, can you say more, help on at least two levels. They let the person know you are interested, listening and trying to understand. They also provide you with needed data and elaboration.

Remember to try not to interrupt when another person is talking unless it is absolutely necessary. Interrupting is a common problem with many people and often causes escalation of tension. Sometimes you may feel it is necessary to interrupt because the what the person is saying is based on a misinformation. In this case, it might help to say something like; "Can I interrupt to ask you something I feel is important (or tell you something)". Then wait for a response. Try to interrupt only when you feel like it is absolutely necessary, and make an attempt to explain why you are doing it. You can say something like, "I think if you knew this you might feel differently or understand better."

Do not be thinking ahead of what your response will be while you are listening; but do try to remember the important points you want to address. Do not feel like you need to address every point that was made; pick the ones that are critical. Remember your goal is to strengthen the relationship rather then being right. (I am presuming that is the goal, you actually may have a different goal !)

Listening itself is often enough to make the other person feel better, but it also has benefits for you. It can enlighten you about what is going on, and can help you get to know and understand the other person better. Good listening will often help avoid unpleasant confrontations. Try It!