Getting to Be a Savvy Communicator

There is an expression that helps to explain why communication is such a difficult skill to master and that is that 'miscommunication is the norm.' It is extremely difficult to communicate clearly and well all of the time - in fact, it is extremely difficult to communicate clearly and well some of the time. The truth of this statement that 'miscommunication is the norm' helps to understand why so many people struggle with communication and why it can seriously get in the way of creating effective relationships; both personal and professional.
For example, I am currently in the middle of a typical 'miscommunication.' A friend asked if I could post a very flattering comment on an event she created on the weekend. The person had given permission and even though I had a little tug of a thought to check with that person myself, I went ahead and posted it on Facebook. This person, who made the lovely comments, posted under my post saying that it was her - I hadn't credited her the words just that it was a 'happy attendee' - and further affirmed that it was indeed a great event. I relaxed at that point and felt the matter was closed. This is how communication can be very tricky.
This morning there was a very heated email from the same person who was surprised that her personal emails were on Facebook - that she had responded on email to my post and didn't know it was now all over Facebook and took exception to this whole affair. I very quickly responded and apologized and explained what I thought was the intent and purpose of this process.
A couple of things are worth pointing out here in the arena of how communication can be misunderstood and to the detriment of relationships. First of all, the best possible way to communicate with people is face to face. That way I can see the persons response to my words. Getting the direct visual feedback is the best way to resolve a possible misunderstanding by seeing first hand if that has happened. People will reveal a lot in their eyes and their body language that will tell you if they have received your words with understanding, happiness or anger. This makes it much easier to clarify and clean up any confusion.
The second best way to communicate is over the phone. At least here I have some verbal cues and can hear in a person's voice through their tone, pauses, or tempo what is going on for them. It is still not as effective as face to face but it does allow for some opportunity to clarify any confusion or miscommunication on the spot. The absolute worst place to communicate as far as creating misunderstandings and confusion is email. There is no way of understanding what the person is thinking or feeling and trust me, irony does not translate well in a written form. It takes enormous amounts of clarification and elaborate visual cues in the email to alter a message from just a very flat communication to something warmer or less brittle.
This also leads us to Facebook - one step removed from email and within the realm of miscommunication - it has to be the absolute lions den of confusion. Facebook is not a place to communicate anything other than information that you do not mind everybody in the entire universe knowing about. Add to this the awareness that everyone will assess, judge and then make assumptions about you based on your Facebook profile and musings. If you are clear about who you are and courageous enough to bear the brunt of some people's ire, then go for it. Just be aware that you will turn as many people off you as you turn on. This leads me to the next big issue with communication and misunderstandings and that is our tendency to make 'assumptions.' The old expression goes that when you assume - you make an 'ass of u and me.' While this may seem a bit of a silly acronym it is a useful reminder.
In the incident I described at the beginning of this article that was exactly what I did - I assumed it was ok without checking. I ignored my intuition that told me that I should check before posting anyone's words. Here's what happens when you make assumptions - and we all do make assumptions. In the absence of clear and accurate information we will fill in the blanks; in other words we will make stuff up and then - and this is the important bit - we forget that we made it up and then we act as if it's true. Hm - can you see how this might be a problem? Most of us live in the fantasy of our made up information. We create hostilities with people, we allow relationships to break down because we don't check out our assumptions - we assume we are right.
This is a natural human condition; we all assume we are right. It is often a shock to our system when we realize we are wrong. So what happens when we feel that horrible gut sense of being wrong; correct, we blame the person who has made us feel wrong and once again, make assumptions - make stuff up - to help us feel better and avoid that awful 'wrong' feeling. Learning to be an effective communicator takes a number of skills; the first and most important one is to embrace the idea that you may not have all the information. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and check out your assumptions. Be willing to be surprised that some of the stuff you made up may be incorrect.
Persevere to get the truth and to genuinely get to know another person. As a previous boss of mine was fond of saying, 'let the other person be another person.' Communication becomes a lot easier once you embrace how difficult it is. Accepting the idea that 'miscommunication is the norm' can help you relax and not get so upset when things go wrong.

Ellen Riches has worked in the area of professional and personal development for over twenty years. She established herself as a trainer/facilitator of women's workshops and relationship training in the late 80's and early 90's.
Her interest in personal development was initiated in 1984 with Context Associated and the Excellence Series. She went on to assist with and ultimately train to become a Pursuit of Excellence Facilitator. She lead the POE in many cities throughout British Columbia as well as Edmonton and Calgary, Alberta and Regina Saskatchewan. She also has the honour of leading the only POE held in the UK.
Her effectiveness as a process facilitator has been developed and enhanced by her involvement with RAC in the United States. As a qualified Facilitator of the RAC processes she brings her vast experience and commitment to 'moving people forward.'
Drawing on this experience and coupled with a degree in International Relations from the University of Toronto, Ellen is well poised to deal with any development issue that impacts an individual or organisation.
A keen interest in holistic health, gardening, yoga, reading and currently kayaking keeps her mentally, physically and emotionally fit and healthy. She is also a trained Reiki Master and practises this spiritual discipline on a daily basis.

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